No Comb? No Problem!

Dear Ludwig,

My mother always keeps bugging me to comb my hair and make it look neat, but I like it BIG! She says I won't go far in life if my hair looks like a hornet's nest, whatever that means, but I don't believe her. How do I get her to leave me and my hair alone?

-Doesn't Need a Comb from NH

Dear Doesn't Need a Comb,

I know what you're going through. Everyone always told me to comb my hair or put a wig on, but the truth of the matter is it's your hair and you get to do what you want with it! And as for not being successful, please! Just because you don't cut your hair every day like J Biebs doesn't mean you won't have success! There are lots of famous people with crazy hair- Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Travis Barker and of course, the best one of them all, me, Ludwig Van Beethoven! If she says you won't be successful with big hair, just remind her of all my achievements and glory! I even have my very first cabaret act, Ludwig Live!, this summer at The Seven Hills Inn Cabaret and my hair is no where close to tame! (It drives my stage manager crazy heh heh heh.)

In short, if your mother tells you to comb your hair, tell her to listen to my Moonlight Sonata and then judge.

Your Faithful Ludwig

Dear Ludwig,
How do you feel about all the modern composers doing knock-offs of your material?
62af924e-9a2c-11e0-a056-000bcdcb2996, Cyberspace

Dear 62af924e-9a2c-11e0-a056-000bcdcb2996,
1) Get a name.
2) I'm the most genius-y genius to ever live. Of course these modern hacks are going to imitate the master! How can you improve upon perfection? If you want to experience the brilliance that is yours truly, I recommend you come visit me in person this summer at the Seven Hills Inn in Lenox, MA. I'll be performing my cabaret act, featuring some of my greatest hits, nightly.
Your faithful Ludwig

Dear Ludwig,
Does Anthony Weiner play the piano, like you, or the organ? Inquiring minds want to know!
Rita, Connecticut

Dear Rita,
This Anthony Weiner thing is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? These days, my guess is Weiner's playing a lot of solos. Whether he does that on a personal instrument or something built by professionals, I'd rather not speculate.
Your faithful Ludwig

getting political

We interrupt our regularly scheduled advice column to talk about something really important. Not that I mind answering questions about my underwear, but... this matters.

Back in Vienna, when I was coming up through the ranks, musicians were government employees. I myself counted Prince Joseph Franz Lobkowitz, Prince Karl  Lichnowsky, Archduke Rudolph, and King Jerome of Westphalia among my patrons at one time or another. Since moving to the United States, I've been severely disappointed by the lack of support the American government gives its artists. Even today, with the world economy in the crapper, other governments support their artists. This afternoon, a friend put an article up on Facebook. Granted, the article was written a couple of months ago, but when you've lived as long as I have, time holds very little meaning. Back in March, Sarah Palin (who reminds me a lot of my ex-girlfriend Josephine, by the way) went on Fox News and called the National Endowment for the Arts and other important publicly-funded cultural institutions frivolous.

Art is what makes a society great. Art (particularly music. Particularly my music) is what makes life worth living. Take away the little bit of money a group like the NEA is able to provide great American artists, and what are you left with? A bunch of creatively frustrated, out-of-work individuals who stand around all day making fun of Sarah Palin.

Dear Ludwig,
How are you such a musical badass?
@tutupack4, via Twitter

Dear Tutupack,

I don't care about what other people think. I've been alive forever and I play my music my way. How am I such a musical badass? I just am. I am the original musical badass.

Your faithful Ludwig

I'm not telling!

Dear Ludwig,
Have you ever sexted?
Sincerely,
Anthony Weiner

Dear Anthony,

So, here's the thing, I'm a musician, not a politician. I don't particularly care if people respect me, so long as they keep buying my music. If I've sexted (and I'm not saying I have), it'd probably help my career. Musicians are cool. If we do something morally questionable, we've got no reason to lie about it, 'cause it just makes us cooler.  Furthermore, what a single guy does in the privacy of his own home, car, office, or password-protected web space is his own business, even if he's in the public eye. So, whether or not I've sexted, it really is none of your beeswax. I'm not gonna tell you either way, and I'm not going to apologize for anything.

Anyhow, it looks like you've got some free time on your hands now. Stay away from computers, dude. How 'bout coming up to the Berkshires? My show starts at the Seven Hills Inn in Lenox on June 30th and if you send my assistants Amy and Julie an e-mail, they'll be happy to hook you up with tickets to opening night. They're both very nice girls, though, so please, no pictures.

Your faithful Ludwig

The Immortal Question

Dear Ludwig...

Boxers or briefs?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Back in Vienna, we freeballed it. These days, it really depends on my mood. Which is usually not very happy.

Your faithful Ludwig